Stupid Consultant
by fornwalt
Summary: Lisbon goes to work expecting to meet her team's new consultant. She didn't expect to meet Patrick Jane. Pre-series.


A/N: My beta wanted a story where Lisbon meets Jane for the first time. Here's what I wrote. :)

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_Stupid Consultant_

Lisbon strolled out of the elevator, making a sharp left and heading straight for the bull pen. She kept her pace constant and focused, not deterring to pour herself a cup of that delicious-smelling coffee or to chat with a passing officer. She had a mission, and it was simple.

She located her team almost instantly, as they were having a little social in the kitchen. Rigsby and Cho stopped talking the moment she approached, recognizing her strict posture and firm mouth set. They straightened to attention.

"Morning, boss," Rigsby said.

"What's going on?" Cho asked.

Lisbon folded her arms, "Today, we're getting our new consultant. I briefed you on this last week. You both remember?"

"Yes," they responded in unison, nodding affirmation.

"Good," she hated repeating information. "Now, I want you to remember that he's here to help us, but he's _not_ an official member of the CBI. Therefore, if you think he's overstepping boundaries, don't hesitate to let me know."

Rigsby and Cho nodded again.

"You've both looked at his file and know of his past. Therefore, anything to do with Red John will be handled with care. It's been a little over a year, but he's probably still scarred by it. Be appropriate when you initiate a conversation."

Rigsby raised his hand a little, and Lisbon nodded at him. Cho glanced sideways as the taller man said, slowly, "He's a psychic, right? I don't want him reading my mind or anything…"

"He claims he isn't a psychic anymore, that psychics don't really even exist. I'm inclined to believe him. Besides, you know that no one has the power to read minds," Lisbon rolled her eyes.

"Yeah," Cho scoffed, smirking. "Grow up, Rigsby."

Rigsby scowled but kept quiet.

Lisbon recaptured their attention, "Good. Now, put on a smile. We don't want to scare him off on his first day."

"Got it, boss."

"Right."

Lisbon studied them for another moment before nodding resolutely, "Get back to work, then." She turned and headed towards her office. Two steps from her door, she paused, frowning. Silently, she backtracked, poking her head into the bull pen. She stared at the blonde man sleeping comfortably on the worn leather couch in the corner of the room.

It took a full twenty seconds for her to register exactly what she was seeing. Another ten were needed to regain her cop face. Then she strolled into the bullpen and stopped just a foot from the couch.

"Hey," she snapped.

The man jumped a bit, clearly startled. He opened blue eyes and studied her for a moment before a large grin spread across his face, "Hello."

"Are you aware that you're sleeping in the middle of my team's workspace?"

The man yawned and sat up, rubbing one eye with his palm, "Well, technically I'm not sleeping anymore. You took care of that quite nicely."

Lisbon clenched her fists, but instantly relaxed when she felt her nails biting into her palms. She was calm and controlled. No man would change that, "You still have no authority to be here."

"That's debatable," he remarked lightly. "And for the record, you shouldn't put a couch here if you don't want people sleeping on it."

"I'll take that into consideration," Lisbon gritted out, thoroughly annoyed. "I'll need to see some ID. You can't be in this building if you don't have a pass."

The man stretched and reached into his pocket, pulling out a crumpled badge. Clearly, they hadn't had time to laminate it yet, and clearly he hadn't cared. She smoothed it out and studied it, comparing the picture to the man before her. "Patrick Jane," she said monotonously.

"At your service," he replied.

She continued to stare at the badge. That name was familiar… but she prayed he wasn't the consultant. If this was how he reported to work, there was no place for him on her team. This problem would have to be dealt with. "You're the psychic consultant?"

"Not psychic," he corrected, smiling. "There's no such thing as a psychic. But I am a consultant. _Your_ consultant."

She barely refrained from cringing. "You'll have to excuse me for a few minutes while I discuss something with my supervisor."

He shrugged and lay back down on the couch, "Minelli won't fire me. You can save your breath, Lisbon."

She froze, halfway to the hall. Beyond her, Cho and Rigsby watched in fascination as she slowly turned around, facing Jane again, "Excuse me?" her voice was quiet, dangerous.

"He won't. I'm too good. Just look at my record—I've provided valuable insight for several different cases," he opened one eye, his smile turning down a little as his tone took a more serious note. "Besides, I'm only here for one reason, and that's to capture that bastard Red John. You try to stop me, or get in my way, and you won't like the man I turn in to."

Lisbon bristled, "Is that a _threat_, Mr. Jane?"

"Of course not," Jane smiled at the idea. "It's just a fair warning, if we're going to be working together."

"All right," Lisbon scowled. "Here's your 'fair warning.' You ever talk to me like that again, and I will personally ensure you have no part in any case concerning Red John or any of his cohorts. Are we perfectly clear?"

Jane laughed, quite amused, "Crystal, Miss Lisbon, ma'am. Or should I call you 'boss,' like the other guys?"

Lisbon glared at him, "I don't care. Get to work. We're dealing with a homicide in Palm Springs. We fly out in two hours. And no more sleeping on the couch!" She turned and stalked away from him, ignoring Rigsby and Cho, who were staring at Jane in utter fascination.

Jane watched her go, smiling brilliantly, "Bye, Lisbon! Nice meeting you!"

She slammed the door to her office shut.

Cho and Rigsby took that as a sign to get back to work, and quickly bustled out of the kitchen to take a seat at their respective desks. They kept focused on their job, but Jane could feel them occasionally risking a curious glance at him. Jane closed his eyes again, a smile playing on his lips as he leaned back and got comfortable.

He rather liked this couch.

And he could tell that he was going to enjoy this team, too.

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A/N: I tried to emphasize how structured Lisbon had the team before Jane screwed everything over. :) I think it came off quite nicely, but I'd love to hear what you all thought!


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